||[Aug. 14th, 2003|04:18 am]
I kept thinking tonight I wanted to update and say something about things in my life lately. When I got home, I messed around with some stuff and found, as is common, I couldn't sleep.
This week, I said something to a person in IM about me. I was asked to describe me (give a brief bio). All I could recall was the conversation I had a few years ago with my supervisor at the time (Claudia). I made the comment I was often called a cynic by others who knew me and she said she felt I was really an idealist deep inside. It was just the constant failings of other people and situations (likely including me and my life) that made the appear to be disappointed and cynical to those around me. What was kind of interesting is I had known Claudia for only a short while through work but she seemed to know me well. I don't know if it was me feeling free to tell her my thoughts and ideas or her willing to listen or both. I don't think I really ever had a boss or even a friend who was in a position to listen to my ranting and rambling with such an even demeanor and open ear that they could be that intuitive about me. And in many ways Claudia was right. Some part of me tends to looks at a person as pure potential and bypasses their failings and faults. Maybe it is a shame that I can't either do that at will or more often than not. Of course, it also confuses me that I can't ever seem to be happy. Let me explain that one...
Sometimes, I look at the bit and pieces of my life from the outside and realize I have most of the things that I wanted and that most people want in their lives. I work in a field I really like. I even tell people that if I won the lotto I would still do the work I do in this field - even if I did it as a volunteer. Other aspects of my life most people tell me are pretty good...again, that is their perspective. I just rarely seem to be happy. I am not sure why, either.
So, I have been trying to help a few other people in different ways lately - not expecting anything in return other than a thanks, if even that. Maybe it is some kind of a karma thing I am shooting for. The idealist thinks maybe something good will come of it. But the cynic says, "I doubt it".